Common Questions

Short answers to common questions

To quickly search for an answer, click the magnifying glass icon on the bottom left of the page and enter a few words related to your search. Many answers contain links to further information from this wiki or elsewhere.

Getting started and making connections in kink

How do I get my "vanilla" partner to dominate me?

It’s ok to have kinks and talk about them. It’s not ok to pressure a partner into doing activities they don’t like. Give your partner time to decide if there are any kink activities that will bring them joy. Respect their limits. More about this here.

How do I know if I’m a sub/switch/domme?

The best way to know is to learn about power exchange and kink by reading, attending educational workshops, and joining kink community. One place to start is by learning some basic BDSM vocabulary (definitions can vary a lot depending on the person or community).

My partner told me they're dominant/submissive. What do I do?

It’s ok to ask for some time to learn, talk, and adjust to the new information about someone’s kinks before trying anything. Share your own interests and boundaries. Balance supporting your partner with communicating about your own needs. Read more here.

Can online-only dynamics work?

Many people struggle to sustain online-only dynamics. If dommes are expected to provide all of the effort in a dynamic, this can cause them to lose interest or avoid certain personals entirely. Online-only relationships are possible with effort, creativity, good use of tools, and effort.

What is common online dating advice for submissives?

Be able to describe your ideal dynamic, your kinks, your limits, and your definition of submission. Know what you offer as a person, figure out what you are looking for in a partner. Sharyn Ferns's Find a Dominant Woman and Write an Awesome Online Profile books are a good start.

What are some common online dating strategies for dommes?

Clarify what you are looking for and what you aren’t before searching or writing a personal ad, establish boundaries, don’t be afraid to block or ignore people who don’t respect your boundaries. Seek support from other dommes/switches and friends.

How should I respond to personal ads?

Read their profile and post carefully, respect their stated preferences and process, create a sense of who you are in several well-written sentences (ideally at least a paragraph), express interest in who they are. Don’t lead with your sexual fantasies even if you are seeking a casual encounter. Read more here.

How can I be more confident as a Dominant?

Know your strengths and weaknesses, practice articulating your own needs, desires, and limits. There is no one way to be a good domme; find your way. Planning, outfits/equipment that make you feel powerful, and supportive kink community can all help. Read more here.

What is common advice about vetting for dommes?

Learn from other dommes/switches and create a community of support; write expectations about the getting-to-know-each-other part of early interactions in your ad. Most people have a process that emphasizes safety.

How can I find LGBTQIA friendly kink spaces?

Many play parties, munches, and educational events are led and attended by primarily LGBTQIA folks. Many dommes, switches, and submissives are queer, bi, lesbian, trans, ace, non-binary, or gender expansive.

Do I have to pay Lifestyle dommes (non-pros) tributes to talk to them?

Most lifestyle dommes don’t require financial or other tributes. It’s not typical of lifestyle dommes, but it is typical of scammers to use this language. Verify people before paying for things.

How do I find a safe, reputable ProDomme?

Join local kink communities and ask others. Reputable pro-dommes have professional websites with conventional ways to pay them. They typically have screening processes like intake forms for new clients. Paying pro-dommes can be a great way to gain experience and learn.

How do I prepare for my first scene?

Plan in advance; what is the goal (how do you both want to feel?), what have you and your partner agreed to, what equipment and ambience do you need, how will you initiate the scene, what is your aftercare plan? If you are using new equipment, learn to use it.

How do I signal that I'm kinky on an otherwise vanilla dating profile?

Not many vanilla people will know what D/s means or other references to the right and left side of the slash. Focus on the relationship structure and not just the sexual/kink activities.

Where do I meet kinky people?

Join Discord servers, subreddits, find local munches, attend kink ed, go to kink conferences, pay a pro-domme…etc. There are many ways to find kink community; focus on making friends and learning. Expect it to take time. Read more here.

How do I use FetLife to find my local community?

On Fetlife you can find events like munches, educational workshops, and play parties. Click on the events tab to search by location; you’ll see a calendar. You can also choose the virtual events option and attends events anywhere! Read more here.

What are the best kinky outfits for dommes/subs/events/scenes…etc?

Many dungeons and play parties have dress codes; this is about creating a space where people feel they can express their kinks without judgment. Finding your own kinky look can create a sense of ritual. But, there is no one way to dress and kink doesn’t require any special clothes.

What can I expect at a play party/dungeon event?

Events are all different; some include performances, mingling, or scenes. Read the event description and rules carefully, including the dress code. If you are unsure about anything, reach out to the hosts in advance. Some events have volunteering options which can help you get to know people.

How do I write a successful personal ad?

Tell a detailed story of who you are with emphasis on presenting yourself well to the kind of people you want to attract so that they can imagine themselves enjoying your company. Read top-voted personal ads in some subreddits for inspiration. Read more here.

What do dommes like?

If you are interested in someone, even for a casual encounter, the best way to ensure that both of you enjoy yourselves is to communicate directly to find out what the other person likes and doesn’t like. Avoid assuming that all dommes like the same things. Your quest is to listen, ask questions, and learn what each individual person might like in the moment. For more, see negotiation and consent.

Kink vocabulary

What are pro-dommes?

Pro-dommes are usually reputable business owners with actual services; expect professional websites and business processes like intake forms.

What are findoms?

Findomming can be a valid kink that is different than scams. Ideally, it's a consensual relationship in which a finsub gives some sort of financial control to a findomme. Sadly, many scammers or unethical people also use the term.

What are scammers?

Scammers may promise certain services and offer some sexy content and interaction but they are ultimately deceptive. Some demand money and give nothing in return, some attempt blackmail. Avoid them! More advice here.

What is non-monogamy and how does it work?

There are many relationship approaches under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy (meaning non-monogamy in which everyone involved is aware and agrees): polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, relationship anarchy, and others. They all require a lot of communication.

What is pegging/strap-on sex?

It’s a kind of sex, it’s not innately kinky, it can be fun, it doesn’t have to hurt, it requires some planning and equipment if you’re new, and not all dommes and submissives like it or require it. See Ruby Ryder’s Pegging101 for more info.

What is Punishment versus funishment?

Some people practice punishment in their dynamics, some don’t. Some kinds of punishment are more for roleplay and fun (funishment!), and some are intended more like a negative consequence. For more about this, read Ferns’ How to Handle Disobedience.

What are common norms about titling and honorifics?

Unless you are attending a known protocol event, in general, don’t address unfamiliar people or any role by BDSM titles/honorifics (mistress, goddess, boy…etc) unless the two of you have specifically agreed to it.

What are negotiations?

Negotiating is a kink term for just an up front and dedicated time for communicating about desires, limits, and ideas prior to doing a scene or dynamic. Some people find forms or checklists helpful tools to reflect on their interests and talk about them more specifically.

What are OnlyFans and Fansly?

Many creators on platforms like OnlyFans and Fansly make kinky content with femdom-themes; some offer custom content. For a fraction the price of what it costs to visit a pro-domme, you could access photo, video, audio content and in some cases interaction.

What is a munch?

Munches are social gatherings for kink community to get to know each other in places like diners, cafés, and bars. They can be a good way to make friends in local kink community! Most munches discourage propositioning other attendees.  

What is dominance?

It can mean a kink role based on consensual authority or power over certain agreed-upon spheres of a relationship, like sex for example. The definition is often quite personal to each dominant individual

What is submission?

It can mean a kink role based on giving consensual authority to a partner to have power over certain agreed-upon spheres of a relationship, like sex for example. The definition is often quite personal to each submissive person.

What is a switch?

Someone who enjoys both dominance and submission. They might switch within a dynamic, or keep a certain role with certain partners and another with others.

What is a kink?

An umbrella term for taboo or alternative sexual and relationship interests and activities

What is a top?

The person giving or doing the action in a scene

What is a bottom?

The person receiving the action in a scene

What is a brat?

A kinky role that could include a pre-negotiated dynamic in which a submissive partner is sassy, disobedient, willful, or otherwise resistant within agreed-upon limits in an attempt to create fun tension and provoke their dominant partners into "punishing" them.

What is BDSM?

An umbrella term for consensual alternative sexual activities including Bondage, Discipline, D/s, and Sadomasochism.

What is sadism?

Enjoyment of some kind, sexual or otherwise, from seeing others in pain

What is masochism?

Enjoyment of some kind, sexual or otherwise, from experiencing pain or related sensations

Gender, Sexuality, and Inclusion

Is penetration submissive?

Being the recipient of sexual or kink action is not necessarily the same thing as being submissive. For example, some dommes like being penetrated, some don’t. Some subs like being penetrated, some don't. Some problematic beliefs around this may relate to sexism, gender roles, and heteronormativity.

Is it bad to get inspiration from porn?

Porn can offer inspiration and validate kinky interests. But learn to be discerning: even if it looks “real,” notice differences between porn and irl experiences with regular people. Lots of porn caters to stereotypical cis het men, so it won't help anyone learn what dommes like.

Why is it so hard to connect with real people on the internet?

White supremacist capitalist cisheteropatriarchy (bell hooks) alienates us from each other. We all have to navigate this and some people are disproportionately impacted. Practicing empathy and solidarity with others and resisting these harmful systems could help.

What is a kink dispenser and why is it bad?

Using a domme like a kink dispenser is pressuring them into fulfilling the sexual fantasies of a submissive or bottom, regardless of the domme’s own desires and boundaries. To avoid this, get to know dommes as people and ensure that their desires are important, even in casual interactions.

What is topping from the bottom and why is it bad?

When the domme or top observes that their pre-agreed upon authority or actions are undermined. A common example is when a sub or bottom pressures or manipulates a domme or top to focus the scene or dynamic only on the sub or bottom’s sexual desires.

What is Unicorn Hunting and how can I avoid it?

Unicorn hunters are usually a couple including a cis man and cis woman seeking a third person to just join in their existing relationship for sexual or other reasons with no say about how it will go. It can be harmful and demeaning to the third person, so they rarely agree.

Where are all the dommes?

Most dommes and women/femmes on the internet are constantly harassed. If you don’t notice lifestyle dommes in a community, it could be because it isn’t safe. Practice compassion and respect for their particular challenges. Making friends with kinky people will make it easier to find safe and welcoming community. Reminder that "The Ratio" doesn't exist.

Safety

What is Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)?

Like the acronym suggests, practicing some kink activities involves inherent risks; RACK is a way to communicate about safety and risks with partners so that everyone consents on safety measures that work for them.

What are the basics of sex toy safety?

Insertable anal toys should have a flared base, and all insertables should be made of sanitizable materials. Insertable toys that include phthalates aren’t safe in the long-term. 100% silicone is safe, easily sanitized, tolerates heat and cold, and comes in lots of colors. Read more here.

What are the basics of STIs and Contraception?

Learn about risks related to sexually transmitted infections, how to prevent them, how to get tested, and how to talk to partners about risk reduction before doing activites that could cause pregnancy or infection. Take responsibility for contraception and learn which condoms you prefer (the quality and fit improves the experience). Read more from planned parenthood.

What are safewords?

During scenes, people may use designated words other than “no more, stop, no” to indicate that they want to pause or stop. Clear signals are also important when using gags. Safewords aren’t the only safety consideration and aren’t necessary in every scene.

What are the most common red flags and warning signs of scams?

Read posts about common scams. Look out for people who want AV content but won’t share theirs, want money, are pushy about sexual things immediately, want to use unusual platforms. There are many scammers, catfish, and people lying on the internet.

What are the most common scams?

Thirsty cis men that have not learned how the kink world works and are searching for kink dispensers make easy targets for scams. If your online profile is really thirsty, you will probably attract more scammers. When interactions with strangers seem exaggeratedly sexual and fantasy-oriented within a few messages, it’s probably a scam.

What is consent?

There can be different types of consent in kink, but the simpler answer is that consent is freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. It takes conscious intention.

Where can I find kink friendly professional counseling and therapy?

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom - Kink Aware Professionals Directory lists kink aware therapists. If you find a therapist not on the list, you can share guidelines by a group of mental health professionals with experience in working with people who practice or identify with BDSM/kink.

Is it normal to feel shame about being kinky?

Sadly, many people feel shame or other reluctance about kink since it is often taboo or not widely socially accepted. (see heteronormativity and gender roles) But, there is nothing wrong with being kinky and there are plenty of people who will accept you

Is it normal to feel nervous about BDSM events?

Almost everyone is nervous before attending their first event, and it can be overwhelming. But you will also learn that folks at munches are surprisingly regular folks.

Is it normal to feel scared about being new to kink?

It's normal to be a bit overwhelmed and anxious. It's common for first scenes to take tons of planning and feel a bit awkward. It's very wise to be cautious. You will learn and grow.

Do I have to be a feminist to be into femdom?

No, but you should. Bell hooks' Feminism is for Everybody is a good place to start.

What is a porn trope?

Tropes are shortcuts or conventions used to tell stories. For example, in some porn, people are often reduced to one-dimensional caricatures that only exist to fulfill the fantasies of others. If real people are treated like tropes, it can be harmful. Read more here.

What is heteronormativity?

An oppressive system of unspoken and often unconscious rules that uphold heterosexuality as healthy and normal and define the behaviors and relationships that are acceptable within heterosexuality. Read more here.

What are gender roles?

Culturally-specific social rules imposed on us about how we should be based on stereotypical and binary assumptions about gender. Read more here.

What is misogyny?

A systemic oppressive ideology that upholds men and cisheteronormative masculinity as acceptable and superior and punishes all other genders. Read more here.

What is transphobia?

Systemic and individual bias, hate, and stereotyping against transgender people that invalidates and demeans their existence. Read more here.

What is the male gaze?

Storytelling techniques in film, comics, and other visual culture that assume cisheteronormative men as the audience with agency and desire and present feminine characters as objects of desire. See Laura Mulvey's article about it for the theory.

Why is it problematic to want someone who is "not like the other girls?"

This is a sexist trope that compliments a woman by suggesting that she is attractive, interesting, smart, or other positive attributes since she is not like other women (implying that being a woman is bad and other women are bad). Plus, calling adult women girls is creepy. Read more here.