Finding a Partner in Kink

From Femdom Community

This page offers insights into online kink dating, covering general kink and LGBTQIA+ specific advice. It also provides tailored tips for Dominants, Switches, and Submissives. Compiled from community member contributions, this page includes advice, safety tips, and personal stories. Some sections are still open for additions. The content has been adapted and reformatted from the original wiki on Reddit.

Original: (“Frequently Asked Questions - Finding a Partner in Kink,” 2023)[1]

Online dating, but kinky

How to write a successful personal ad

Section Under Development.

Responding to personals:

How anyone can write an opening line.

Original comment by u/LaCroix--Boix[2]

Purpose:

Approaching someone on the internet can be intimidating. Whether that is through short form apps, dating sites, personal ads, etc. It's a skill, and skills need education and practice to be effective. I want to provide a rough outline, strategy, and FAQ regarding your first contact with another human being.

Who am I:

I'm u/LaCroix--Boix! I love typing long walls of text on the internet to inflate my own ego and seeing my shiny flair right above it. Twenty-something bisexual submissive guy in a LTR relationship. Fan of BDSM (F/m) communities that don't suck, and merciless slayer of softboy-shitshows. People seem to like my sage advice so I'm here to rain down paragraphs from my high-horse.

Why:

I have been on both sides of this coin. As a person reaching out to others, and as an individual looking for men. I will never be able to share the same the same experiences as a woman, but I have felt the blunt hammer of men's advances as someone who has used gay/bi avenues to try and date. Most of the shitlords won't read and make use of this thread. However, a very small fraction of you gremlins will read this and get some use. The idea of helping a lad out that way tickles my pickle, and the fact that my single domme friends may actually get a pleasant message or two someday.

Context:

The information provided isn't just intended to be useful for your potential kinky or even vanilla matches on the internet, but general strategy when talking to anyone. By and large this is for young submissive men, and that's the perspective I've written it from. Older men are less likely to have issues, but not by much.

Young men in general barely know how to talk or approach women their own age. If you compound that with the fact that the vast majority of these men are also Zoomer internet recluses you get a dating pool of dudes who couldn't communicate their way out of a paper box, let alone have a conversation with a woman. Now those same men are trying to approach a BDSM space with ZERO knowledge with how the community works or functions.

However, I'm not trying to finger wag. I really like this quote from Blogger and contributor Pearl that I found in a thread the day of deciding to make this whole thing:

My experience is mostly that men are more likely to have a fundamental empathy gap. I think it's nurture (or lack there of), rather than nature, and I think the norms of courtship tilting heavily to male initiation make it harder to measure inverse damn-fool-ideas from women regarding men.

We, the BDSM community at large, want YOU to be BETTER. It may seem as though the community harps on submissive men, and men in general, but damn it takes two to tango at the end of the day. So sit down, shut up, listen, take notes, and you might just actually learn something for once. The Kool-Aid is good for you 🧃.

What's not working:

For many, casting a wide net appears to be the best option. If you have shitty bait and spread it over a lake you might just catch something. At least you hope so! This tactic is taken from apps like Tinder where being low effort has worked on some level. As you get older, and or more specific, it works less and less. On Reddit, Fetlife, and OKC you have a larger canvas to paint yourself on. Low effort posts and replies aren't acceptable when you have a huge keyboard in front of you. It doesn't help that younger people typically aren't the best at talking about themselves either. I'm a mod of a curated personals subreddit and we have a forced sentence/paragraph count for each required topic within the post. 90% of the removals I've done are because they can't even write six sentences about their interests or personality.

Simple rules you must follow:

  • Never title someone you haven't engaged in a dynamic with. It's a red flag and obvious sign that you're uneducated in BDSM dynamics. Anyone who thinks it's acceptable also doesn't understand BDSM dynamics, or may not be the person who you think they are.
  • The less you talk about sex the better off you are going to be. It's okay to say "Your paragraph on MMF being one of your biggest fantasies hits close to home. It's one of my favorites too!" Finding commonality is good, but if you treat sex academically you'll get a lot farther. I'll always add onto a kinky conversation, but I won't initiate that conversation during the courting phase.
  • Gents, always be wary of "women" who very quickly descend into kinky talk. Many women I know don't at all. It's rather smart to say "I would love to talk about that topic in the future, but I don't feel super comfortable considering we just met." Setting boundaries and consent is a huge turn on and stress-reliever. See another post of mine about men's boundaries.
  • Don't message someone for any reason if you aren't at least a good or preferably high potential match (75%+ compatibility). This includes dumb comments "I wish, why can't, why don't," etc. Beggars can't be choosers.
  • Do. Not. Copy. And. Paste. It's obvious when you are, stop it. It's all about showing the effort you've put in.
  • Make it very clear that you've read what they wrote.
  • Don't send any NSFW media, asked for or not. Wait and establish a real relationship first. Ignoring this step is a great way to get scammed or blackmailed.
  • Don't neg them or be a downer in your initial contact phase, it's just not attractive at all.
  • If they ghost you or drop for long periods of time, it's probably not happening. Respect yourself and put your time and effort somewhere it counts.
  • Be vigilant about reciprocation. If they aren't tossing the ball back or answering your questions then move on, they aren't interested. I like a 2:1 ratio personally. If I give two things, I'll get one back at the minimum.
  • Having an active Reddit account with a good posting history is really important if you are using Reddit personals as a means to meet people. They're gonna look, who the hell wouldn't? I like to believe anyone can look at my account and go "Damn. u/LaCroix--Boix puts a lot of effort into his posts and seems like a generally cool all-around human being." Your post history and your karma are like a credit score the other person can use.
  • Dale Carnegie's golden rules for effective communication are incredibly useful. Take it from someone who does a lot of networking and public speaking, it works. "How to Make Friends and Influence People" is a valuable book everyone should read. If you're tired of being a lonely and sad softboi then this is your ticket
    • Give honest, sincere appreciation.
    • Arouse in the other person an eager want.
    • Become genuinely interested in other people.
    • Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
    • Talk in terms of other person’s interests.
    • Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely.

Guide

  1. Read their advertisement, profile, message, live-journal, smoke signals, w/e.
  2. Read their applicable profile/account. Do you want to date someone who is a bigot, incel, lover of processed cheese slices? No? Well make sure you know what they're like if they offer a glimpse.
  3. Messaging process:
    1. If your message needs a title, try to make one that could relate to their own post/profile in some way if you can. You don't need to be fancy, and just leaving at as "RE: Your ad on [X]" is fine and usually the logical choice.
    2. Address them by their given username until otherwise. Don't offer up your name unless you've gotten some repartee, and if you do it's courteous to say you don't need theirs in return.
    3. Introduce yourself: Make it abso-fucking-lutely clear that you read their damn ad/profile. Your reply should only be 2-3 paragraphs in length.
      1. Start off with your username, include your age, gender, location, and what you're looking to find (dynamic, relationship, playmates, etc). Remember, this is a brief introduction and everything you listed above should be what they've been looking for. Say how their ad caught your eye.
      2. Establish commonality and a connection. You are going to try and genuinely relate to their post. You want to inspire the other person to want to talk to you. Hobbies, interests, job, location, etc, etc. Yes, you're going to want to relate to kinks, but we're keeping to clean and brief. Are there pictures? Comment and compliment on them, but do so in a way they have autonomy over. I always noticed how lovely, organized, and well decorated my partner's home and office space was, or her cute taste in clothes. "I love how organized your filing cabinet is, and your handwriting on those sticky-notes is so good. Do you have a lot of polka-dot patterned clothing? I think patterns are super fun and cute, I have several dress-shirts like that." If there are pictures of their person somewhere, give them a nice SFW photo in return. Imgur is likely the best option if Reddit's involved. To be very clear this photo would be something you'd love to share with your grandma or mother.
      3. Thank them for their time, be gracious but not weird. You can leave off with a question or two, put the ball in their court. These can be icebreakers or whatever you wish, but they should be something someone would want to answer easily. Then leave it and do not try to check in like a weirdo. If they're interested, they'll talk and give equal amounts of reciprocation. People LOVE to talk about themselves if you give the opportunity. If you get no response, drop it and move on. Be happy knowing that you got some practice in and likely made someone's day a bit better by reading a nice & respectful message.
  4. Receiving a response and building a rapport. Awesome, you got a response! You are now playing a game of question/answer ping-pong. Answer questions, provide some of your own. Interests, hobbies, likes, and loves will keep you going for a very long time. Be genuinely interested in the other person and relate to what they're talking about. Keep the conversation moving. Which means making sure that both people are contributing. Example:

    What's your favorite food? -> X -> Oh I love X food, and Y cuisine. Do you have a favorite cuisine? -> Oh yes I do! I love Z, and travel to Z place often -> Oh I love to travel to blah blah blah

....you get the point of this exercise.

Obviously this is just my boiled down system. Usually people are pretty responsive to pleasant, friendly, charming, and funny dialogue that clearly reads like time & effort was put in. All you're doing is starting a dialogue, that's it. Don't overthink it. At some point you should move to another platform or meet IRL to talk if you are in reasonable distance (1-2 weeks is a good time to wait/boundary before meeting)

Example of an initial message: Yes I'm corny and having fun with it. Deal. I also hate plants.

Hi CrazyPlantLady84!

I was browsing through r/femdomplantpersonals today and I saw your ad. It and your orchids really caught me eye, so I wanted to send drop in to say hi. I'm MonsterasRmyMistress97 and I'm a [X] year old man from [Y], [Z]. I'm close by for work, I'm an [A] currently. I have experience in being a submissive and I'm also looking for an lifestyle dynamic. It looks like we have lots in common! From mutual love of Monsteras to Shibari. Although, I'm great at taking care of my plants, not so much with the knots I get into when practicing my self-ties. I love your idea of trying to incorporate service-submission and gardening, "Green-thumbs" and "red bottoms" would be quite the combo!

I'm a huge gardener and plant lover myself. I have way too many houseplants to count, and I'm slowly building a larger garden plot. I saw the post you've submitted last week about your tomatoes, they look so good! The skins on mine seem to burst in the summer even with enough water. I don't know why. Any tips? Do you have any problem children when it comes to growing, or anything you wish that you could grow? Other than gardening and the outdoors I'm a huge gamer as well, and I agree, Sebastian in Stardew is best boy. Anything coming out this year that you're looking forward to? We can always exchange Animal Crossing Codes if you need items! Do you have a favorite meal or cuisine? I just got back from Greece and I'm trying desperately to make spanakopita at home.

Thank you for your time and for reading. I hope to hear from you!

Two nice paragraphs.

  • Plenty of information to ask questions about, as well as left a few of my own.
  • Related myself to the other person.
  • Made it clear that I head taken an interest and read their information.
  • Showed plenty of personality.
  • Was not weird, creepy, or embarrassing. And yes, going by Reddit's standards that's not a given.
  • Legitimately better than any other answer I've gotten from an ad on Reddit.

Extra Advice. Yes, parts of my own comment in there are in this post as well. I can plagiarize my own comment all I damn want. You aren't my 8th grade English teacher. I double dip my chips when I'm at home too, so take that L as well.

FAQ:

I'll add stuff if I feel it's important or see a lot of discussion around it.

"I feel like you're ageist or biased against young men, as a young man I'm offended."
Answer Well, I'm a young man writing this too, but I'm just experienced and aware of my faults. The vast majority of men encountered in these spaces, specifically Reddit, are easily going to be 18-23. I may get fifty responses to an ad and if I'm lucky four of them will be above that range.
"What about women!? I've had X experience with Y person and it was terrible too!"
Answer Never said this was only a man problem, but it is a problem mostly presented by men. Remember that men are privileged, the patriarchy hurts everyone, and that feminism is about equality. Once you recognize those things and the issues women deal with you'll have a much better time dating the opposite sex.
"It's just so hard, and it's discouraging trying to find the one. The reason men work this way is because of burnout...."
Answer Relationships are not easy, and they're meant to be hard for a reason. Not having positive results? Brainstorm -> Strategize -> Organize -> Execute -> Analyze -> Repeat till desired results appear. In college I had a horrible time trying to date and match. Turns out once I got out of school, got a job, educated myself (kinky & non), and changed my audience I had ZERO issues dating. I'm a well-oiled MUH SHEEN 🦾🤖and I found my current partner in the 4-6 months where I actually put the work in.
"I'm [LESS THAN 30/25] and I can't find [X]. I'm just so SAD and LONELY."
Answer You aren't expected to find anyone or reach that stage yet. There are plenty of people in their 30's still figuring shit out. Plenty of people share the same feelings. Journey before destination, so enjoy the ride while you're on it bucko. Slow, steady, and smart wins the race. Quite honestly if you're still in your early twenties or in school I would hold off. Explore and learn more about yourself first. Become comfortable and secure. When you begin to not worry about other people loving you, other people will begin to love you naturally.
"I'm a woman and I'm perfectly fine with heavy flirting, sexy talk, kinks, titling, etc."
Answer Good for you! You're also the type of person who isn't going to be offended if a guy puts up his boundaries. It's a win-win. It's a personal choice to assess chemistry quickly or spend time with low effort chatting.

What kinky dating platforms are out there?

  • OKCupid (free dating app): Has some fine kink related questions for matching. I would mention that you are Dominant and bring it up early on in the conversation. I've met a previous partner this way.
  • FetLife (free social site): I have found searching on here to be completely fruitless but have had friends have success this way. It is mainly thirsty men begging to be your footstool and things of that nature, but I'm sure there are some hidden gems.
  • Grindr (free hookup app): This has been a surprisingly great way to meet people, but recognize that 90% of people on here are just looking to hook up. Bi submissive guys LOVE Dominant women, and they exist in spades on Grindr.
  • Tinder (free dating/hookup app): It's okay, but in my experience, finding kinky people was either finding someone full on inappropriate or someone full-on vanilla.

What mainstream dating platforms are the most kink friendly?

Section Under Development.

How do I signal that I’m kinky on an otherwise vanilla dating profile?

Section Under Development.

How do I respond to a personal ad?

Section Under Development.

Do I have to pay non-professional dom/mes to talk to them?

Section Under Development.

What are the most common scams?

Online and Social Media Femdom: Is it a Scam?

Original post by u/eelred[3]

Given how many of these "is it a scam?" posts we've seen recently, I thought I'd start a general scam and online training wheels post. Will add to this as we see more scams. This post is sub-centric, I have seen scams that are aimed at dommes described here; if any dommes would like to reply to this post with examples, I will add to this post with credit to you.

  1. General safety guidelines
  2. Common scams and manipulation techniques

General safety guidelines:

  • There's way more scams online. Recognize this right from the beginning -- just the fact that you're interacting online, you should be on your guard.
  • Research common online scams. Most common scams are documented extensively online already. Do an internet search and spend some time researching common internet scams -- many of these scams and techniques are used in online femdom. Also do a specific internet search on "online femdom scams", to see scams specific to our community. Recently there was a thread here where the OP wrote two pages of text to ask our opinion on whether something was a scam. I don't know how long it took him to write all that out, but it took me literally 10 seconds to google it and find out it was a scam.
  • If you're getting "that feeling", it's probably a scam. In my experience, 100% of the time someone has to ask "is this a scam", it's a scam. I can't remember the last time someone wrote a post and we all said, "no ,that's fine, not a scam". As soon as you get the feeling, stop what you're doing and start doing an internet search on the behavior you're seeing... then ask about it here.
  • Guard your personal information until they've earned your trust -- and earning trust in a scammer-rich area like online femdom, should not be easy. Don't ever give your bank account information no matter the reason. A second line (like google voice) is standard in regular dating, consider it for this. Etc. Don't send pics of you in compromising positions, or naked, especially with your face and genitals in the same pic.
  • Local is better. Generally speaking, scammers like to set themselves up as long distance from you, so they have an excuse why you can't ever meet. Being local is no guarantee, you still need to be on guard until you meet in person, but be extra skeptical of the long distance online domme, especially if she's the one who found you.
  • All standard internet dating safety guidelines apply. Reverse search her photos and phone number. Expect her to do the same with you, so use a second phone line, and photos that are not used on any other social media. Absolutely don't open attachments. Don't give her your real full name (first name usually ok) or address until you've met in person, and even then consider keeping all that secret for a good amount of time -- no reason to swap this sort of info yet! Absolutely do not get naked in your video verification call, I can't stress this one enough
  • Break off contact with scammers immediately. One of the hardest things to do, whether it's because of self-doubt, or societal conditioning has made it seem rude to you, is break off contact with a scammer the moment you see the scam -- especially hard if you've been interacting with her for two weeks prior to the scam, you don't want to be rude to her, and maybe you should give her another chance? If there's one thing you takeaway, it's: nothing good ever happened to anybody, engaging with a professional internet scammer. Once she springs that request for $500 worth of toys, or for your bank account number and address, or that last-minute commitment fee, she is telling you "I am going to scam you". Do not argue, lecture, try to reason with her, refuse to do what she asks and re-negotiate, or anything else; block her on all media and move on. Staying engaged to give her the benefit of the doubt, is really just telling her you're a victim and you'll give her him another chance to scam you.

Common scams and manipulation techniques:

This is a very partial and incomplete list!

  • It's common to get the sub desperately horny before the manipulation begins. She may start playing with you online, and/or asking for dick pics or other things that get subs hearts pumping, before making the scam request ("venmo me $50 to show you're serious" "Send me $400 for toys for our first session", etc). A woman you met online and barely know is not going to want to see your dick pics, this request is a bad sign, not a good one. Think with your big head, and if she's got you thinking with your little head, take a pause.
  • It's common to frame the scam as a matter of trust and/or obedience -- and you're a bad slave if you don't comply. If a domme you barely know is demanding pics of you and/or your name or other personally identifiable information inappropriately early in the relationship, you're being set up for a scam or blackmail. If she's framing it as a expression of required trust or test of obedience, that is the reddest of red flags. This is not what femdom is about, at least among internet strangers. She will not just ask for money, it will be framed in a heartfelt message about how she thought she could trust you, how you two are compatible on so many levels, how disappointed she is with your failure, etc.
  • Send me $XXX to buy toys. She may frame this as you not being able to pick up the toys yourself, because she goes through a wholesaler. This is one of the most common internet femdom scams.
  • Sunken cost scam. She gets you all worked up, you work out common interests and limits, she perhaps sends you some innocuous tasks -- that is, she's got you invested, emotionally, and time-wise -- and then, just before the online session, she asks for a tribute. Very common manipulation/scam, relying on the fact that you have so much invested already, that you'll override your own common sense and shock, and just comply. Once she gets that last-minute tribute, she's gone, there will be no session... and in fact, there was never a "she".
  • The sob story. You've spent some time interacting, swapping interests & limits, etc. Then some tragedy befalls her -- just got into an accident, big bill due tomorrow, etc. Bad things do happen to good people, but seem to happen to online scammers a lot. This is usually a red flag, it should at least put you on high alert.
  • Blackmail. This is common and real. While "she" -- very often actually a he -- is executing the above manipulations and scams on you, she'll also be trying to get pictures of you, personal information such as real name, perhaps get you onto a Facetime and get you naked. Then, once he knows who you are, and possibly has compromising pics of you, that's when you get the blackmail. The blackmail might have been the whole point all along, or it might be the fallback if you don't fall for "buy $500 worth of toys" scam
  • If a domme approaches you unsolicited, on your social media, it is nearly always a scam.
  • Very often you'll see all these things wrapped together. Scammer contacts you on social media, spends time discussing interests and limits, asks for dick pics or other tasks to get you horny, after you've spent a bunch of hours engaging and you're very invested, hits you with the toy purchase scam or last-minute pre-session tribute scam. If you don't comply, and you did send personal info, blackmail threat comes next.

What’s with all the ghosting and flaking?

Are there any interesting blog posts or videos about dating while kinky?

LGBTQIA+ Online dating, but kinky:

What LGBTQIA+ dating platforms are the most kink friendly?

Section Under Development.

How do I spot (and avoid) chasers?

Section Under Development.

What is Unicorn Hunting and how can I avoid it?

Section Under Development.

How can I find LGBTQIA+ friendly fetish spaces?

Section Under Development.

LGBTQIA+ Common Dating Red Flags

Original comment by u/LaCroix--Boix

  • If you’re in the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, it’s best to avoid dating people who aren’t. I, and other Queer people who I’ve spoken to have had issues with dating cishet individuals. Similarly to being educated on BDSM dynamics there’s a knowledge base that comes with being Queer that’s really important. This is not a flag, but more of a personal lesson and rule that I think is very important.

Online dating advice for Dominants:

What’s your online dating strategy?

Original comment by u/LaCroix--Boix

Here are some of the tactics that worked well for my partner and I. Now, if you're looking for more of a play/transactional relationship and not a partnership then some of these things aren't going to apply as much.

  • If you're advertising be clear, specific, and informative what you are looking for and want. Many people aren't able to articulate themselves enough. If you write tons about kink & sex, you're going to get guys who primarily want kink, sex, and a dispenser for both.

  • If an individual isn't able to hold a conversation and accurately describe themselves and prove their value to you as a partner you can't expect them to be able to communicate in the context of D/s dynamic where it's REALLY IMPORTANT. A D/s relationship is harder and requires a lot more effort than a vanilla one.

  • Don't be afraid to block, show people the door, and have it hit them on the ass on the way out. Don't give any "one-handed" typers the time of day. They get off on it, and dealing with it can be exceptionally draining. I think this is really important so you don't get burnt out. Women put up with a lot more than they should have to, especially from anon men on the internet.

  • It's always a good idea to set up boundaries at the start and give yourself a time-frame before you are willing to divulge into descriptive talks about kink. "Hi, I'd really like to get to know you better and see if we have personal and life chemistry together before we get into detail about kink." One week, maybe two. The pushy people and creeps will give themselves away. This works if you're trying to meet in person IRL or exchange personal information. If they see a "dom" and not a "person" then they ain't a match.

  • The best people are likely to be found through communities and groups. If they're established it means other people can vet and vouch for them. You can always ask another person if someone is safe, smart, worthwhile to date, etc. It's always good befriend other dommes. Friends help keep you straight, sane, and safe. Dealing with trolls and cum-goblins is a lot easier when you can poke fun at them with your besties.

What are the most common red flags and warning signs?

Original comment by u/LaCroix--Boix

  • People who approach you on the basis of "looking to explore my submissive side" aka, "I'm a dom and see you as an experiment."

  • Anyone who is "discrete," or "on the down-low" is likely cheating on someone.

  • If you guys trade pictures and he sends a NFSW photo it's usually a bad sign. Especially if he's the one who starts that conversation and is real keen on "verifying" you. The caveat of "nothing you wouldn't send to grandma" is a basic ask but works well on filtering out idiots. "verifying" in general is okay, but not when you're pushy. I find it's often because they've been scammed in the past. Honestly, if you have to be really dumb and naive to fall into those traps.

  • It's usually a bad sign if a local individual is unwilling to meet after 1-2 weeks of talking or sharing personal information (such as a number).

Original comment by u/auriegvrd

  • Immediately delving into sexual content before you’ve established a mutual attraction. If you are looking for an actual relationship, pickup play is a way to do it but most people doing pickup play aren’t looking for long term. You’re going to have a very poor success rate.
  • Becoming way too serious way too soon. If they’re discussing marriage less than a month in, trying to move in together immediately, trying to get you to spend every night with them - that’s something to watch out for. This is called “love bombing” and is a manipulative tool OR something employed by obsessive types when it comes to love (think: stalker types).
  • Always wanting to “see your phone” and not really trusting you in general. This is another “obsessive” trait, and they may also put tracking software on your phone or your vehicle if they are truly out there.
  • Interests seem to change to match yours - whether kink or otherwise, this is a warning sign for someone who is dishonest and manipulative.

What are the common pitfalls of dating as a Domme and how to deal with them?

Section Under Development.

Long Term Dating, Friendships and Vetting for Dominants

Original [deleted][4] post by u/auriegvrd

As a Domme, dating while looking for a serious relationship is difficult. If you've attempted it, you know what it's like - tons of interest, but never from the right kind of people. Dozens of "do-me" subs and nobody serious about becoming your actual life partner. Plenty of sweet vanilla folks, none of them your match.

There are a lot of routes you can take to find someone. Friendship is easier, and where I would recommend starting. Begin looking for other Dommes to befriend, as they're going to be who you can trust when it comes to vetting subs. Sure, Dommes may not know the exact sub you're vetting, but a group of them sure know the warning signs for when you're being messed with or disrespected! When you are new to kink dating, you don't know what those warning signs are. That's why you need kink-fluent people to help you figure out what is smart to pursue. Your vanilla best friend isn't gonna cut it for kink vetting, honey!

Vetting:

In terms of finding friendship (and possibly more!), I recommend joining some of the well-moderated Discord servers or subreddits dedicated to FemDom. The plan here is to get integrated with a group, so you have a "home base" to depend on. If you're looking on Discord, you will want to look for a server that has an application - this implies a certain amount of vetting. Any place without one literally just lets anyone in. Think about that for a moment and the implications that has on server culture/behaviour. I would recommend avoiding no-app servers, as they're ripe for your personal harassment and generally quite "hookup" based. Other alternatives are bulletin boards/forums but again, these allow anyone to join and I would highly recommend avoiding them unless you know and trust the leadership to be thorough with moderation. For Reddit, watch how a subreddit handles disputes, and if resolutions seem reasonable to you.

Into the Wild World:

Now that you have your social group established (I do understand this is an extra step and takes extra time - but it's worth it) - you want to date. You need to be aware that people are going to be rude and inappropriate and say things to you that no human would ever say to your face. Ignore this, you are fine.

You also need to be aware that if you put that you're Dominant on a dating profile, anyone that uses that app can see that. This is a double-edged sword though - you will attract submissives who see the "Dominant" and become interested. However, your visibility is heightened when looking, and your privacy is somewhat compromised. Be aware of that when deciding what you write.

Dating Resources:

  • I highly recommend not doing this step until you have established a support/vetting network that is kink friendly. Dating without this is bad and you can get put into some unsafe situations. Also, NEVER be afraid to IMMEDIATELY BLOCK someone making you uncomfortable. You don't owe anyone making you uncomfortable courtesy. They have earned the door.
  • OKCupid (free dating app): Has some fine kink related questions for matching. I would mention that you are Dominant and bring it up early on in the conversation. I've met a previous partner this way.
  • FetLife (free social site): I have found searching on here to be completely fruitless but have had friends have success this way. It is mainly thirsty men begging to be your footstool and things of that nature, but I'm sure there are some hidden gems.
  • Grindr (free hookup app): This has been a surprisingly great way to meet people, but recognize that 90% of people on here are just looking to hook up. Bi submissive guys LOVE Dominant women, and they exist in spades on Grindr.
  • Tinder (free dating/hookup app): It's okay, but in my experience, finding kinky people was either finding someone full on inappropriate or someone full-on vanilla.*

Expand your Dating Pool:

When you are dating in such a small pool, anything you can do to expand the pool is going to give you a) better matches and b) more selection. Do as much as you can here.

  • Consider dating outside of your normal age range. Maybe you're 35 and normally date those 30-40 - what about someone 25? Or 45? The only time I don't recommend this is when you are very young (under 20 years old) - stick to people your own age during those times.
  • Consider long-distance. While it is difficult, your chances of finding a truly great match go up the bigger you make your dating pool and that includes those that don't live in your city. Decide your tolerance - could you date someone in a different state or province? What about another country on the same continent? Are you brave enough to go off-continent? Each step expands your pool of available matches.

Misc. Dating Safety:

  • Don't let anyone be your ride on a first date.
  • Don't rely on anyone to pay for you on a first date.
  • If possible, try to meet in a busy place while it is daylight.

BDSM and Kink are very personal and emotionally charged. It is very easy to become lost in a new relationship or not notice warning signs. It is for this reason that I must again mention: have a kink group of friends you can check in with at every step of the way. They will keep you grounded when you want to behave irrationally. Do not skip this step!

I hope this has been informative and will help you in your partner search!

Online dating advice for Switches:

What’s your online dating strategy?

Section Under Development.

What are the most common red flags and warning signs?

Section Under Development.

What are the common pitfalls of dating as a Switch and how to engineer for them?

Section Under Development.

Online dating advice for Submissives:

Advice from Members of the Community

Know what you want and be able to describe it in 90s or less, like an elevator pitch.

Original comment by u/LaCroix--Boix

  • Be able to describe your ideal dynamic.
  • Be able to describe your kinks.
  • Be able to describe your limits.
  • Be able to describe your submission.
    • I try to be respectful as possible in general. I never lead the initial sexual conversations, and I don’t ask for pictures. If I do bring something up I will talk about it in an academic sense. When talking to my partner about their initial interactions with their exes I always think “this person was way too fucking horny and boundary pushing.”

General Advice

General advice given by u/HopefulExplanation & u/drpmommy

  • There’s no formula. Human relationships are unpredictable, and the fact that you’re dealing with only a very small set of the human population makes it more difficult. Patience is required! Nothing is going to work with everyone, and some people who you want to like you just won’t like you. This is not exclusive to femdom!
  • You’ll never find someone "ready made" who satisfies every single thing about your kinky life, just as you wouldn’t with any other human relationship. With patience and time, you can both grow together to encompass more and more of your mutual desires. That goes both ways, not just your desires!
  • Be a person first, then be submissive. Being a well-rounded person in other aspects in your life will get you farther along in the process. Be the kind of person people want to date! Make an effort to keep in shape to the best of your ability, dress respectably. Be engaging and interested in others. Go to school or have a career, develop hobbies, cultivate a circle of friends, take care of yourself physically and emotionally, develop financial literacy. Learn what you like as a submissive so you have a base of likes/limits instead of "whatever you want, Mistress!" Dommes are so individual in their interests/requirements that there is no specific list of skills/traits that will make you attractive.

What’s your online dating strategy?

Maximize your visibility: If you are trying to catch a fish, have the largest net that you can. In order from best to worst:

  • IRL groups (munches, hobbies, communities, etc).
  • It’s important to emphasize that dommes are everywhere. The research we have on kink shows that being a dominant woman is probably more common than you would expect. Unfortunately, there are no clear signs to identify a dominant woman. Dominant women can be outgoing or shy, expansive or reserved, serious or playful, etc. Not discarding that any woman can be dominant, interest in kink seems to overlap with other alternative interests/lifestyles - nerds, goths, activists, pagans, etc. - so if you’re already interested in some of these things you may already be in the right environment to find a partner. Of course, not all women in these spaces will be dominant or even kinky but you’re more likely to find them among women who are transgressing some other cultural boundaries.
  • Online groups (Discord, forums like Fetlife/Reddit, etc)
  • Personal ads (Reddit, Fet, craigslist/doublelist)
  • Dating apps with long form text (OKC, Match, POF, etc.)
  • Fast dating apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc)
  • Be educated about BDSM, safety, and D/s dynamics. Don’t let women do all the work for you. It’s such a sigh of relief for a woman when she doesn’t have to be your “teacher,” 90% of the time that’s what happening. Prove that you are worth dating and investing time into. There are too many resources for you to not have answers for the most common questions posted.
  • Learn how to make a good personals ad and Fetlife profile. Most are terrible and it’s easy to stand out that way.

What are the most common red flags and warning signs?

  • Any woman immediately jumping to sexual content or D/s dynamics. It’s not impossible, but most women avoid such practices because it leads to them being used as kink dispenser.
  • They are unwilling to meet or verify (video/voice) after 1-2 weeks of normal talking. It’s not a huge ask if you are looking to potentially date.
  • Asking for sexual AV content without offering in return.
  • If an individual isn’t able to hold a conversation and accurately describe themselves and prove their value to you as a partner you can’t expect them to be able to communicate in the context of D/s dynamic where it’s REALLY IMPORTANT. A D/s relationship is harder and requires a lot more effort than a vanilla one.
  • I believe it’s important to have a basic grasp on each others basic kink likes/wants, but it really helps to table in depth discussion for 1-2 weeks. You can establish chemistry while helping to avoid the weirdos and people who want dispensers. If this person is trying to push boundaries and be a snake you can easily call it out.
  • Anyone who is “discrete,” or “on the down-low” is likely cheating on someone.
  • It’s usually a bad sign if a local individual is unwilling to meet after 1-2 weeks of talking or sharing personal information (such as a number).
  • People who practice certain fetishes often push boundaries way more often than others, but this is more common with people have the textbook definition of a “fetish.” You can easily tell when someone is really into one thing more than others.
  • Unless you’re inexperienced, I find people who “are down for anything,” and have little to no limits are little suspicious and just want an outlet to masturbate.
  • Never considering anyone who has no experience or knowledge in relation to BDSM. It’s a huge time and emotional investment, especially if it’s not their thing or we don’t match sexually. Plenty people can date vanilla and have success, just not for me.
  • Anyone who has no dating or long-term relationship experience. This mostly applies to people are older, 30+. It’s not a deal-breaker, but it’s something to look out for.
  • Having been living with your parents into your 30s. There is a distinct difference between having to move in because of X reason and never have been moved out at all. I want privacy at the end of the day.
  • Anyone who specifically targets or has only dated people of a certain age, whether young or old. I’ve had my own fair share of creepy women approach me on the internet.
  • Not willing to discuss hard topics and deal breakers early on the relationship. I like being on the same page about most things. My partner and I went over every single little thing you could think of before we even discussed becoming mutually exclusive or sexually involved. All the way from the spectrum of political beliefs to levels of communication and contact.
  • Do you want kids?
  • If someone has the ability to get pregnant, what is going to happen?
  • Are your finances in order, and are you stable?
  • Health risks and issues.
  • If you’re long distance can parties regularly visit each other? For me, every two months for 2+ years or more is something I can afford by myself and enough time for me to consider moving. That’s if it’s not overseas of course. Long distance is a category of it’s own altogether, so I won’t get too detailed.
  • Red flag if they are dating on the side. This is real common, especially with app dating. If you’re not interested enough with me that you want to explore your options then we’re not a match. Many people find this acceptable, just not my thing and I find that my feelings and confidence get hurt.
  • Red flag if they’re a sub male and overcompensate in front of their friend or other people to regain some of their “masculinity” from being dominated.
  • Red flag if a man is highly opinionated about feminism or other progressive movements. You’ll see a lot of men that conflate feminism with misandry. The vocal minority is just that and twitter crazies don’t represent real feminists, and besides, misandry itself is not comparable to misogyny on any level. This is more common with younger men I find. As an additive, if they’re not willing to discuss their politics or where they fall on the spectrum they are likely conservative. Depending who you are that’s either a positive or negative attraction.

What are the common pitfalls of dating as a sub and how to engineer for them?

Men, you too can set boundaries and should do so!

Original post by u/LaCroix--Boix

A common theme I see regularly is individuals engaging in dynamics, kink, and general sexy talk with others extremely quick after meeting. It's great at first! There appears to be chemistry, fun, and perhaps your heart even flutters with hope that it'll grow into more. The truth is that until you sit down and discuss a relationship or exclusivity, you are not the latter and most definitely not in the former. It is a fleeting casual arrangement till that point. The vast majority of the time these engagements end with hurt feelings or ghosting.

Those who are AFAB get told that "men only want one thing" early on. That most men will do almost anything to get in your pants. It should be safe to say that individuals raised as women have better sexual and relationship boundaries than those who weren't.

As a man, it can appear unmasculine and shocking to turn down a good time. Less so now during today's social climate, but stereotype still exists. "But LaCroix--Boix , I've been looking for a X/Y/Z for so long and they've finally come to me!" "Yeah bud, that's fucking rad!" I hope it turns out well. However, you likely will end up like those other people I mentioned in the first paragraph.

In general, if anyone approaches you anonymously as a woman and immediately becomes sexual. I'd be incredibly cautious of them being a scammer. It doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but I do think it's substantially less common than if we reversed the roles. Personally, I don't know a woman who would do so, and all these same women are incredibly peeved when it happens to them.

You, as a man, can put up boundaries too. Table any in-depth talk about kinks, fantasies, dynamics, etc. By all means, talk about compatibility, but that should be it until you begin to get into the nitty-gritty of a relationship (romantic or non). I was good friends with my current partner for three months before we decided to get together, and we negotiated our relationship for about a week before we did anything sexy or kinky. One week? Two weeks? It's up to you to find that sweet spot and risk percentage. I found a week worked for me, for women I think longer is better. More opportunity to fuck up as snakes and shitweasels give themselves away every time. Very convenient!

Most men that I see posting here seem to want a kinky relationship with a loving and romantic partner. If someone just wants you as masturbation material or as a wallet they ain't gonna stick around long. Are they trying to push your boundaries? Block them king, they aren't worth dating or pursuing in the slightest.

Lets not forget to mention the fact that there is nothing hotter, sexier, and more serious than establishing boundaries & consent. "Oh shit, this guy has boundaries and limits. Damn, he must actually be serious. What a great change of pace! I like a man who has emotional and sexual maturity" You'll save yourself the heartache, and improve your chances at finding the partner you've dreamed about.

Common sense pitfall avoidance

General advice given by u/LaCroix--Boix

  • If you are using reddit, use a nice and clean account. It shouldn’t have un-tasteful porn level comments or your dirty mirror level dick pick. People are going to check out what you post and talk about. Instead of looking like an alt-porn account look like one of r/FemdomCommunity’s trusted contributors (Like u/LaCroix–Boix he’s really handsome and his brain is massive).
  • Think with your head, but not your dickhead.
  • Dominant women are not your therapists, and BDSM is not therapy (although it can be cathartic in a healthy way). If you have issues a relationship won’t fix them, only you and a professional can.
  • Dating kinky is a challenge, and it won’t be easy nor quick. Just look at dating vanilla and how long it takes in retrospective.
  • Don’t get overexcited and over-invest in online interactions.
  • If you’re communicating online and you both are interested in the long term, please negotiate and discuss the relation the relationship. You don’t want to end up six months down the line and discover irreconcilable differences, or don’t have the logistics to actually meet.
  • Don’t send sexual AV content until everyone is confirmed to be invested, real, and actionable. If you MUST, don’t include your face.
  • You are going to fail or be scammed once, maybe even twice. Expect it, and take the lesson to heart.
  • You are going to over-invest yourself and be hurt at some point. Expect it, and take the lesson to heart.
  • D/s relationships are exactly like vanilla ones, but even harder.
  • Treat dominant women like you would any other woman.
  • Understand emotional labor and how it affects women.
  • It’s easier to defer sex and kink talk to her pace, keep it SFW, she’ll come to you.

How-To Guides

A short sub’s guide to femdom and sugar (arrangements)

Original post by u/eelred

When we talk about femdom, we are often talking about either lifestyle/romantic femdom (two people in a personal relationship) or for-pay femdom (two people in a transactional business relationship). Some of my best experiences in femdom have been in a lifestyle that mixes features of each: sugar (aka arrangements) but with a femdom dynamic. Sugar relationships are relationships that include all the things you typically find in relationships (emotional intimacy, chemistry, etc.) but also involve a (typically non-transactional) exchange of sex, intimacy, and financial support. The relationships can grow quite close, to the point that they can outlast the "sugar" part -- my last two femdom SBs are still in touch with me and we are still close; our femdom sugar relationships (SRs) are over, but the personal relationship remains (albeit without any sex or financial support involved).

Obviously, this isn't for everyone. As a sub, you'd need to have both the financial means. As domme or sub, you'd need to make sure you don't have any ethical qualms.

As I said, some of my most incredibly femdom experiences have been in sugar. The upsides include: genuine connection while still maintaining boundaries, it's easier to find a femdom sugarbaby (SB) than a purely romantic femdom partner, it gives you a way to explore femdom in a very fun environment. Downsides include: there is a very steep learning curve to pursuing femdom in sugar, and your budget will need to be larger than you'd need for just seeing a pro domme or kinky escort once a month. And with that:

  1. Some notes about sugar and femdom
  2. Learn to be a high desirable SD
  3. Learn how to introduce femdom to your POT

Some notes about sugar and femdom

If you go on a sub focused on sugar, and ask about femdom, you're going to get two pieces of advice, that I'll address here.

  1. "Sugar isn't the right place for femdom, you're better off on Fetlife, femdom personals, and the like." This is directly at odds with my personal experience, which is that if there is any level of money or financial support in the mix, sugar is the best place to look. The people giving you this advice mean well, but you will find that very often they have not personally tried looking for femdom on Seeking Arrangements (SA), so really don't have any firsthand experience. In fact, very often the people giving you this advice aren't even interested in femdom -- they're just repeating advice they've heard elsewhere. Like I said, they mean well, but before you accept this at face value, find out if the person giving this advice has first-hand experience.
  2. "Most SBs aren't dominant or don't mention being dominant on their profiles." This is actually 1. true, and 2. irrelevant. The true part is: I don't find a lot of women who identify as dominant, and even the women who do won't mention it on their profiles because it attracts the wrong type of men. The irrelevant part is: my amazing femdom experiences on SA have all been with women who did not identify as dominant but, after I presented myself as a desirable SD (next section of this guide!), responded, "I never did it but I'd love to learn!" when I asked. That is really the key: you are not just looking for women who mention being dominant on their profiles, and you are not just looking for women who identify as dominant; most of the women you're interested in will be neither of those, but be enthusiastic about trying it out with you. That last italicized part is the key to this whole thing, and what's made my journey in femdom arrangements so awesome.

Step 1: Learn to be a highly desirable SD

The women on SA are not there to find femdom. They are there because they want to find a sugardaddy. First and foremost, making yourself a desirable SD is a requirement before you even think about femdom. Luckily, just as in femdom there are so many obnoxious male subs, in sugar the guys are even worse! The learning curve is steep but if you learn the norms, how not to inadvertently scare SBs away (regardless of your view of sugar, many of the women view themselves as amateurs and need to be treated more like a romantic interest), etc. There are lots and lots of guides and advice on r/sugarlifestyleforum . I strongly suggest you:

  • Learn how to write a great profile, that focuses on what you can do for her, not just on yourself
  • Learn how to interact in messaging (at minimum, have a great pre-canned initial message, and great canned responses to common questions such as "what does your ideal arrangement look like")
  • Learn how the process normally works (i.e., unpaid platonic initial meeting in a public place, etc.).
  • Sugar is full of scammers who will target you, learn how to identify them. Sugar is even more perilous for the SBs, who are targeted by both scammers and guys who mean them harm or plan to use them: learn how scammers and bad guys act, so you can make sure you're not mimicking any of those behaviors by accident.
  • Learn how to stay safe: 2nd-line (google voice) to start, fake names to start, make sure your pics aren't reverse-searchable to your real life, etc.
  • Figure out what allowance/PPM usually is in your area, so you have an idea of where you stand vs other SDs
  • Learn the other idiosyncrasies (e.g., how people will ghost at any time) and just accept that that will happen a lot -- it's not you, it's not your fault, as long as you do your homework.
  • Learn when to take a conversation off SA and switch to texting -- certain conversations can get you banned from SA.
  • Don't just learn this things in theory: be an amazing SD in practice, connect with her, care for her, and she'll be able to tell.

Like I said, the learning process is steep at first, but very well worth it. The common quote is that SBs outnumber SDs by ten to one; by being an obviously-solid SD, you will find lots and lots of women are interested, and a shocking number will be open to "I've never tried femdom but would love to try with you!" if you approach that part right!

Learn how to introduce femdom to your potential SB (a potential SD or potential SB is a POT in sugar parlance; it is not insulting to use that term).

In many ways, the way you approach an SB will be more like the way you approach a woman on Tinder, than the way you approach a pro domme or escort for femdom play. There's a bit of a balancing act here: be too forward too quickly, and you will literally scare everyone away, even the women who identify as dommes! But it's also unfair to message her for weeks, get to the point you're finally going to meet, and then drop it on her after she's spent all the time talking with you.

My suggestion is:

  • In your profile, mention femdom in a subtle way. Nothing more than "femdom friendly", buried in the middle of an otherwise vanilla profile, is all that's needed. The women who identify as dominant, and a few of the more-observant SBs will notice it and ask you about it -- and now you have consent to discuss it. Many of the SBs will ignore it (for now), but at least it's something you've mentioned.
  • After you start messaging with your POT, somewhere in the first few messages, it's typical that you'll have an exchange of "what's my ideal arrangement" (you will have spent some time hand-crafting this, as per the previous section, it is the hook the gets SBs interested). You will -- again, subtly -- mention femdom in this. Example: "I'd like an arrangement where we meet 3-4 times a month, for great culinary adventures, and loads of laughs. Real chemistry is important to me, and I hope it is for you too! We should both look forward to seeing each other. Ideally, our dates will feature an allowance, great times, mentorship, fun conversations, and a little fun femdom :) . I'm open to travel and vacations if that's in the cards, but not required."
  • I just made that example up, but if you write a good one, you'll get back a lot of "That's awesome, I want that too!" and now you're off to the races. This is exactly where I bring femdom to her attention for the first time. Sometimes, she'll notice the "a little fun femdom" and bring it up herself. But if she continues to ignore it, this is where I say, "Awesome, we're on the same page! Just to make sure you didn't miss it, I am looking to explore some fun femdom dynamics, that's okay with you?" And this is where she'll either ghost me, or a shocking number of times, tell me she's open to hear more. I will often put this on the backburner as I continue to ensure we are compatible and have some chemistry; she very much appreciates that it's chemistry first, femdom & sex second.
  • IME, if you want to catch an SB's interest, your best approach in discussing femdom is to lead with service and pampering. Getting treated like a princess seems to be a near-universal desire among SBs, and of all the ways I've approached femdom discussion, this opens their minds and imagination so much better than anything else, that it's the only way I do it now. Yes, you will eventually get to the CBT or chastity or strap-on discussion you're dreaming about, but if you're lucky enough to be a service-oriented sub, your service is relevant to her interests, as they say :)

In short, within the space of exchange about 5 messages each, without discussing any details whatsoever, I get her to acknowledge that I'm looking for femdom. This is her cue to exit stage left if she's totally uninterested. But a lot of the time, I get interest. This interest is more often than not, from SBs who don't identify as dominant and may never have engaged in femdom before (other than the occasional naughty spanking with a boyfriend, or whatever). Her willingness to engage with me is that I've otherwise presented myself, and behaved like, a high quality, desirable SD. From my profile to our messaging interactions, she feels appreciated, respected, she knows I understand sugar (it's why I specifically mention I offer an allowance), and I've spent a little time making sure we're compatible as SD & SB, before I take her up on her offer to discuss femdom more.

Once I find the right SB, I find her enthusiasm and our chemistry more than makes up for her lack of experience -- I'm happy to teach her and guide her on how to discover her inner tiger, it's a fun journey for us to go on together, and I emphasize the truth that I feel like it's an honor that she's chosen to trust me to be the one she does this with. It truly feels different than being with a prodomme or a lifestyle partner -- not better or worse, different, in a way that can be fantastic.

Citations

  1. "Frequently Asked Questions - Finding a Partner in Kink". reddit.com. r/FemdomCommunity Moderation Team. Retrieved 23 September 2023.
  2. "How to write an opening line?". reddit.com. u/LaCroix--Boix. Retrieved 9 June 2022. I highly recommend approaching someone kinky is exactly like approaching someone in the wild who isn't. Never title someone you
  3. "Online and Social Media femdom: Is it a scam?". reddit.com. u/eelred. Retrieved 16 May 2020. Given how many of these "is it a scam?" posts we've seen recently, I thought I'd start a general scam and online training wheels post
  4. "Long Term Dating, Friendships and Vetting for Dominants". reddit.com. u/auriegvrd. Retrieved 7 June 2020. As a Domme, dating while looking for a serious relationship is difficult. If you've attempted it, you know what it's like