Frequently Asked Questions

From Femdom Community

My partner told me they’re dominant/submissive. What do I do?

Being introduced to femdom by a new or established partner can be a fun and exhilarating experience. However, it’s common for the initial conversations to be very nebulous and difficult to grasp in a meaningful way, as you might lack the common language to talk about these desires.

If you are already in an established relationship, learning about these desires may come as a shock. There is a good possibility that your partner may have secretly harboured them for years, and never talked about them to you because they felt ashamed or afraid that you would reject them. This means that they have had a long time to discover and refine their tastes. Their fantasies might be well developed, but the language they have to describe them (if they’ve never talked about them before) may not be. So, if you’ve had that first conversation and it was quite stressful and not that illuminating - please don’t worry. You’re in good company.

Finding some common ground in kink will get you off to a good start. Luckily there are a lot of sex geeks in BDSM and they have devised handy ways for new starters to do that together.

Spreadsheets and kink maps:

Online Quizzes:

When you have figured out a few things that you would both like to try, you can start preparing for your first scene(s).

How do I prepare for my first scene?

One of the hardest things you will need to do is prepare for your first scene. It’s a lot different from vanilla sex, which can be relatively spontaneous. The following is some thoughts from my own experience of preparing for my first Femdom sexual encounters.

Assuming you’ve managed to establish your inner Domme and your partner’s preference, it’s time to set the scene. As the Domme, you are going to have to do most of the planning and initiating. Ideas come to me in the most random of places, so I keep a little notepad and jot down ideas as they come, but don’t be afraid to reuse material. If something works well, there’s no harm in re-inventing it. You need to have your games, punishments and rewards prepared in advance, and then have a few backup ideas in case something doesn’t work. Nothing can strip you of your power quicker than standing around gormless whilst you decide whether to use the flogger or tie your sub up with an ice cube in their mouth. Know what you’re going to do beforehand. It’s difficult to have “spontaneous” D/s sex, but if you’re stuck for a scene, try a verbal role play. They can be quick and easy.

Anyway, back to basics. What’s this scene going to be about? What are you going to need? Make a list of the kind of powerful women you admire. Do you like the idea of being the strong Amazonian huntress? The prissy, demanding bitch? The ballbuster corporate boss? Think about how you can channel this into play warmup and scenarios. If I know I’m going to be doing some age play with my pet I try to wear a nice pencil skirt and tie my hair up and be quite formal when my pet arrives. It’s not always about the black leather and chains.

Clean your room, clean your toys and equipment. Double check everything and have all your equipment discreetly at hand. Domming is not for the untidy or ill prepared. I keep all my toys in a drawer beside the bed so I’m not running around looking for things. I practice tying a few quick knots, see what the whip feels like in my hand before using it. Using hot wax? Make sure you have a few candles ready. Don’t light them too early. Get your ice cubes in the freezer. Have your sissy boy underwear ready in the drawer. Make sure that your kit prepared and thought out.

Once you have a scene, you need a scenario. How are you going to lure them into your character and your games? Create a plausible scenario in your head. You’re going to need a good reason to start punishing or humiliating your sub. Can you ask them super sweetly to make you a cup of tea, then bring it up to you in the bedroom? Ask them to get on their hands and knees and use them as a foot stool before sampling your tea. Oh – shock horror – the tea isn’t to your pleasing. That’s got to be punished. Or training will have to commence. Maybe you can even “kidnap” your sub as they comes in the door – force a pair of your pantyhose over their head, grab them by the throat and tell them they’re going to be your bitch today? Some of the most awkward moments I’ve had is the transition from “regular life” to “scene” so think this bit through.

Practice your lines and know what you’re going to say. I usually change my voice slightly – go a few tones lower or higher, depending on what’s required. Before the scene I say all my words out loud “You have exactly two minutes to make me cum or I’m forcing my c**t in your mouth” – because let’s face it, it does kind of sound silly. Say it over and over until you’ve found a voice you like. Also, make damn sure you that have a clock nearby you can see! You want to give the impression of being totally in control. Own this scene.

Follow through on all your punishments and rewards. Do not give in. I sometimes feel a stab of pity when I don’t let my pet orgasm, but then I remember that allowing him this would damage the whole scene and all my hard work.

Lastly, read and share ideas. I’d say about 70% of being a good Domme will come from your inner goddess, but some will be down to skill, experience and expertise. We’re all looking for new games to play so posting your thoughts can really benefit everyone here. I’m as guilty as anyone of not bothering to do this but the few times I have posted games it’s been received very well.

Happy Domming!

How can I be more confident as a Dom/me?

To embrace your Dominance is to embrace yourself

Security and self confidence comes from a place of knowing and loving yourself for your weaknesses as well as your strengths. Knowing that you are not pizza, that not everybody will like you and being at ease with that. Easier said than done, I know, it’s a journey that will take you years to complete - which is why starting now is so important.

Knowing yourself and being yourself is the key to embracing your Dominance. If you try to adopt a stereotype and act it out, it won’t work. So, who are you? Are you a bubbly, chatty, laugh-a-minute, girl next door? Are you calm, quiet, meticulous, and sharp as a tack? Are you distant and aloof? Are you gentle, nurturing and loving? Do you like to coax and cajole? Have you got a mean streak? Do you enjoy the sight of a man cowering at your feet? Does a flinch, tears or a pained look turn you on?

You can be any of these things, all of them, or none of them - but you must be unequivocally and unapologetically yourself. Do not allow someone to mould you into their version of who you should be, or presume to tell you who you are.

Be organised

The more prepared you are, the more confident you’ll feel - so take time to get yourself organised and ready. Develop a rough script for your scenes so you know what you’re going to do and the direction you’re going to take. Keep your tickle trunk in good order so you can easily find your toys when you want them. When the time comes to play, lay your toys out in the order that you’ll be using them in (this will also help to jog your memory during your scene.

Use a Blindfold

If I could recommend a single item for the starter tickle trunk, a blindfold would be it. They serve a great variety of purposes, but in this context, blindfolding your playmate means that they’ll be non the wiser to your less smooth moments. If they’re not watching your epic battle with that fiddly little buckle, it will feel significantly less epic.

Make sure you’re getting the right aftercare for you

Getting the right aftercare for you will have a positive effect on your relationship with your Dominance. Positive verbal affirmation from your play partner after your scene will give you an affirming memory to reach for on your next scene. Your aftercare needs are on the same priority level as your subs, so make sure that you get it.

Examine your programming

Women live in a society that teaches us to view ourselves through the lenses of “too much” or “not enough”. When you find yourself in doubt about yourself, consider carefully who profits from that feeling. Because it’s not you.

Fake it ’til you make it

This TEDtalk by Amy Cuddy has been helpful to me. Meanwhile, do things that scare you. Ride roller coasters, watch horror movies and check your bank balance regularly. The more courageously you act, the more courageous you’ll feel.

Looking for a Mentor?

If you are seeking a teacher, mentor, or help with the journey of self-awareness, I recommend that you find community, friends, and forums on your own side of the slash. In other words, if you want to learn more about the role of submissive, ask other submissives. If you are a domme, seek advice and ideas from other dommes.

You can learn a lot from experienced kinksters but be cautious if you do encounter people who are seemingly eager to mentor or teach you from the other side of the slash. This can be a red flag. Instead, look from a diversity people to learn from (not only from people you meet in person but also from books, blogs, etc). This will provide you a richer perspective on BDSM/kink than that you would get from a single person.

If you’re looking to start, these are some topics you might want to research, think about or ask others: how to improve communication, learning the vocabulary to discuss D/s, thinking about what you bring to the table for dynamics and relationships in general.

Developing particular physical skill sets

Things you can learn and practice on your own: self-tie bondage, certain vibrating or penetrating toys (flared base!), some sensory activities. It’s true that there is no real replacement for learning how to listen to someone else’s body, but since every person is different, “practicing” with someone does not in any way guarantee that you will be better at any particular sexual act with the next person. The key to this is communicating with people and learning to ask what they need and want then check-in. Some physical acts get easier with practice and skill, but experience in the absence of self-awareness and communication means very little. Wanting to try certain things to learn what you like can be totally fine and play events, pro-dommes, or negotiations with a partner of some kind can help with this.

Wanting sexual experience, online or in-person because it seems like a personal accomplishment that will validate you somehow

Sexual experiences with people do not define your value as a person. Seeking sexual experiences with others to check something off of your list of sexual fantasies and goals will often lead to a very dehumanizing/kink-dispenser attitude toward the other person. There are no “levels” in kink or sexuality. Ask yourself: are you looking for someone to validate you or fill some kind of narrow slot in your life, or are you interesting in them as a person? Even casual play partners are unlikely to want to fulfill this role. Loneliness and desire for connection are real; trying to separate this from social pressure to prove yourself sexually is challenging but important.

If you are not receiving sexual attention and desire it, that can be hard. Remember that no one owes you this and people’s choices to sexually engage with others are not about you.

— u/TheSoftestMoss

How do I get my “vanilla” wife or girlfriend to dominate me?

If you as a couple already have positive contact with BDSM culture, then just talking about it may do the trick. Otherwise, the following “Roman Slave” approach has been known to work. This involves stepping back from your specific fantasies and working out how she might behave if this were Ancient Rome and you were her real slave. The key concept is that you stop regarding her as a means to a fetish end and start regarding her as your part-time owner who can use you to seek her own ends.

The specific steps are as follows:

  1. Pick a specific erotic or sensual Femdom activity that extends a vanilla activity that she already enjoys. This can be teasing or rough play, but is most likely to involve service or worship. However, you may be able to get some of your kinks as a byproduct, e.g if she likes a massage and oral service, then that can result in “denial” for you. Any costume or BDSM gear should be non-intrusive and not add extra work for her. A male chastity device can kinkify almost any action. Avoid roleplay and fantasy scenarios unless she likes this kind of thing.
  2. In a suitable moment, e.g. when doing the vanilla activity, suggest the Femdom version. Do this without talking it to death or sounding like a drooling pervert. Keep the technical details and jargon to the minimum. The objective is to get some Femdom, not to educate her in BDSM culture.
  3. If she says “yes”, follow through as soon as possible by setting up and initiating the Femdom activity. “Setting up” involves buying and testing any toys and researching safety. Remember to specify a sensible safeword, e.g. “Her name + STOP.”
  4. During the Femdom activity, be her Roman Slave and go along with anything she orders. She is in control. Don’t suggest, prompt or hint unless she specifically asks you to. Reserve the safeword for when you really have to stop for reasons of physical or mental safety, not when you are bored or she hits you a little too hard. Her power over you is only as real if you treat it as such. Bear in mind that your experiences may be asymmetrical; e.g. you are wallowing in kink, she’s enjoying being pampered.
  5. In the aftermath, tell her she was wonderful. Don’t give her performance feedback or expect aftercare. Get back to normal as soon as you can. Don’t even hint at FLR.

You may not get the Femdom action you pictured, but with this approach you have a good chance of getting some Femdom that is sustainable over the long term since she will actually enjoy it. Since power corrupts, over time she might become more playful or demanding. However, initially you should have low expectations.

How do I dominate a larger and stronger sub?

An old post on said topic.

Where do I meet kinky people?

The most common advice is to attend your local munch. The best way to find your local munch is to join Fetlife, or similar kinky website, find your local city pages. From there, you can join your TNG group (18-36) or VOY group (36+).

What should be included in a power exchange contract?

In general, a power exchange contract is a sort of terms-of-service of the relationship. If you are trying to come up with a contract, you may want to consider the following questions. How long will this contract last? What are the responsibilities of the submissive? What are the responsibilities of the dominant? What are the consequence for infringing upon those responsibilities? What are the escape clauses and termination clauses?

Here is an example power exchange contract

What are some new punishment ideas?

Check these threads for some suggestions:

What are some examples of typical Femdom roles and activities?

There are so many different ways to express your dominant side - the following list is naturally non-exhaustive.

Topping

This is more about being on top and taking control of sex as oppose to any contrived scene. When you’re topping, initiate, tell your sub what to do, how many times you want to orgasm and how it’s going to happen. Suggest positions and tell them if there are any conditions on the sex such as duration or speed. There may not be roles, rewards or punishments – just plain and simple sex, but make sure lead it out.

Petplay

Petplay involves creating an Owner/pet dynamic between you and your sub. It’s a very intense role play because your pet is dehumanised. Pets are generally forbidden to speak in human language. My pet assumes the role of a dog and behaves as such from when I put his play collar on until I remove his collar. Sex may not be the primary focus of pet play, but make sure to rub and stroke him. Treat him well if he is well behaved. When my sub becomes my pet, I feed him from dog bowls, play with him, rub him and play fetch with him. A lot of these games do have a sexual tangent (for example, “fetch” will involve fetching my sex toys and making me orgasm with them) but it will more be about play and bonding than sex. If you’re interested in reward and obedience. Pet play is a good place to experiment as it’s a very natural “training” role for your sub!

Power Roleplay

Roleplay is a massive genre of sex game. There are obviously far more comprehensive resources, but this is the kind of go to roles for Domming are usually pretty self-explanatory. Remember you don’t have to be all handcuffs, beating and torture. Some of the less standard roles I go for include government integrator, Army bitch (think strip searching and pegging), honeytrap agent, financial domination as a prostitute (demand more money before he goes home to his plain, sexless wife), brothel madam punishing him for not paying my girls... the possibilities are as endless as your imagination. There’s usually less involved in setting a scene, however you need to make sure you fall into role correctly which means being comfortable with yourself and your role. It’s perhaps better suited to a couple who are more comfortable with each other sexually as it can be a little awkward, but please don’t let me stop you. There’s nothing more fun than a well-executed improvised role play.

Ageplay

Ageplay from a Domming perspective usually involves assuming the role of someone older, more experienced or more powerful than your pet or slave. Mommy/Little boy is popular, but if this feels too personal, try assuming the role of some generic older woman (teacher/social worker/neighbour) and allow your sub to play a quiet, inexperienced young boy. The play could follow your corruption of him – sweetly taking him round to take his clothes off, to touch me and then finally have sex with you. He may usually protest that he knows it’s “bad” and “wrong” and be ready to quell his fears. This is usually a non-violent role and focuses more on coercion and manipulation. It’s good for days when you don’t have much energy to re-enact a full scene. If you partner likes a lot of encouragement or likes being told how to touch you, this is a good game to play.

Slapping 101

A good thread on getting/giving right in the kisser:

Citations

Original: Frequently Asked Questions. (2023, September 23). In [r/FemdomCommunity/wiki]. https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/femdomfaq/