Finding Your Feet in Kink: Some Words of Advice For Beginners

From Femdom Community

As a man/man-aligned (sub)

Just discover that you’re a guy that enjoys it when your partner is in control? Or this is something you’re just curious about and are looking into. Or submitting may be that missing puzzle piece you’ve been looking for for so long. Regardless of how you’ve gotten here, welcome!

Well what is male submission? It’s submission by someone who identifies as male. Nothing more to it. It’s not better or worse then female submission. It isn’t someone that makes you "less of a man" or weakness. In fact it can take a great deal of strength to embrace your submissive side. As you’re fighting against a huge amount of societal norms which tell you most if not all of your life that you should always be in control. That you should be the dominant one and take charge. Even without all of that embracing giving up control can be terrifying regardless of your gender or sex or who you are.

You may not even know why you like it or what you like. But both of those change over time and are something which only you can truly ever find answers to. There are common things which may strike a chord with you as to why you like it. Such as just not having to make any decisions, letting someone else pick and decide what to do or how to do it and just doing what you’re told. Not having the responsibility of deciding. To do whatever you can to please the person you’re with or love. Among many many other reasons which are unique to each person and will be to you.

"Sure I like it when she puts her hand around my neck and being tied up some but I don’t think that I’m actually kinky" Kink is a spectrum like everything is especially with sexuality. Some people will like it every now and then to add some variety to their bedroom, some will want it in their daily life and everything in between. It’s not a competition, what kink really is about is finding yourself and the things you like then exploring them in a safe and consensual way. So you just have to find your balance of where you want to be with it. Then find others who are compatible with you.

"I like it outside of the bedroom, am I weird?" Nope not at all. Which often kink is talked about synonymously with sex they are NOT mutually exclusive. For some having kink in their sex is a requirement but that is far from everyone. You can have kink without sex and sex without kink. Regardless of how kinky you are or aren’t. Kink covers a great many things. Then within each of those things people get different things out of them and enjoy them for different reasons. You can like different things for the same reason as someone else or the same thing as someone else with different reasons.

Kink is a pick your own adventure of your self and often your sexuality. No one can tell you how to do it and what is or isn’t kinky to you. Granted there are safe and unsafe ways to do things and you should always aim to be as safe as possible, which includes educating yourself beforehand.

As a woman/woman-aligned (sub)

Section Under Development.

As a Dom/me

I am writing this as a practicing Domme for about ten years. I can remember just how confused I was when I realised I wanted to Domme, but I didn’t know what to do or how to behave. Thankfully, there’s no set formula. There are lots of different ways you can Domme in a relationship, ranging from the relatively mild topping to tease and denial to proper cock and ball torture. Where your relationship lies in the spectrum is going to be personal preference but check the rest of the FAQ for some ideas to get you started. It’s essential that you encourage your partner to discuss their desires with you so what you can both manage expectations. Speaking of which: so, so important – safe words and safe gestures. Make sure that you discuss what stop really does mean stop and make sure it’s agreed both verbally and non-verbally. However…also put something in place that means yes! Getting positive re-enforcement can be just as reassuring as negative feedback as the more positive affirmations you get, the more empowered you will feel.

As well as your Domming preference, you will need to discuss the frequency of the D/s Interactions and aftercare. You may encounter people talking about being "24/7" which means they are in their D/s relationship all day, every day. This may me more akin to a lifestyle as oppose to a sexual fantasy, but it something your relationship may progress to. Even then, there will be a difference between a Mistress/slave relationship and an FLR (Female Led relationship if you’re a Hetero couple) so it’s worth exploring this continuum to work out how frequent and intense your interactions should be.

Aftercare is what happens after a scene. It’s taking time after play to hug, kiss, stroke and comfort your pet or slave. Again, you will need to discuss what your sub will want to do or hear. If I’ve spent an hour telling my pet he has a useless small cock, I’ll probably take a bit of time telling him how much he satisfies me just to make sure that our fantasy is not negatively impacting his reality. We can also talk about what worked and what didn’t, and also laugh about things that went wrong. Aftercare is when you can let your guard down and relax out of a scene. I personally think it’s as essential as the scene itself, especially in a new relationship or when you’re not fully comfortable with each other yet.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to experiment. It may take you a while to find out what you enjoy. As a practicing Domme, I love training my pet and making them work towards rewards and I’m much less focused on pain and punishment. It’s all about finding what works for you.

Some Educational Kink Resources

  • Oh Joy Sex Toy A sex education and toy review resource
  • Dangerous Lilly Sex toy safety specialist with definitive guides on sex toy and lube safety
  • Kink Academy A huge library of kinky sex education videos, covering pretty much every aspect of BDSM you can think of.
  • XR University Totally free BDSM online tutorial workshop, with monthly videos covering a huge range of kinky topics.

Citations

Original: Finding Your Feet in Kink: Some Words of Advice For Beginners. (2023, September 23). In [r/FemdomCommunity/wiki]. https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/findingyourfeet/