Recognizing Scams

This page provides comprehensive information on how to recognize potential scams in the kink community. It includes safety guidelines, common scam scripts, and advice on handling blackmail or extortion.

Source: ("Recognizing Scams," 2023)

How do I recognize possible scams?

You know, it's funny... when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

— Wanda, in BoJack Horseman

We practice kink in a certain amount of good faith. In the good faith that our negotiations have been truthful. In the good faith that our kinky partners will respect our boundaries and limits. In the good faith that we'll be treated like humans and not fetish dispensers. In the good faith that our privacy will be upheld and respected. However, building that good faith takes time and at a certain point, we must take a leap and decide whether our play partners can be trusted.

I would love to tell you that we're in some kind of PVC clad fetish utopia in which all our good faith is well placed, but the truth of the matter is that it is not. And so, it is exceptionally important to keep your wits about you when choosing your playmates. It's a real jungle out there.

General safety guidelines

• Learn and get involved, either online or in your local community. Scammers generally do not behave like "real" dommes, professional or lifestyle, and they often have a poor understanding of kink concepts and jargon. The better informed and more familiar you are with the culture, the easier it'll be for you to spot a scam.
• Most common scams are documented extensively online already. Do an internet search and spend some time researching common internet scams -- many of these scams and techniques are used in online femdom.
• If you're getting "that feeling", it's probably a scam. Most of the time someone has to ask "is this a scam?", it's a scam. As soon as you get the feeling, stop what you're doing and start doing an internet search on the behavior you're seeing.
• Don't share identifying personal information until they've earned your trust. Don't ever give your bank account information no matter the reason. Don't send pics of you in compromising positions, or naked, especially with your face.
• Local is better. Generally speaking, scammers like to set themselves up as long distance from you, so they have an excuse why you can't ever meet. Being local is not a 100% guarantee, but you can reach out to trusted members of your local community for a reference.
• Break off contact with scammers immediately. One of the hardest things to do, whether it's because of self-doubt, or societal conditioning has made it seem rude to you, is break off contact with a scammer the moment you see the scam. Staying engaged just keeps you exposed. Move on.

Some common scam scripts

• It's common for them to start by getting you excited. She may start playing with you online, and/or asking for dick pics or other things that get subs hearts pumping, before making a request.
• It's common to frame the scam as a matter of trust and/or obedience. If a domme you barely know is demanding personally identifiable information inappropriately early in the relationship, you may be being set up for a scam or blackmail. They will not just ask for money, it will be framed in a heartfelt message about how they thought they could trust you, how you two are compatible, or that you're not a true/good submissive if you don't comply, etc.
• Send me $XXX to buy toys is a common script. They may frame this as you not being able to pick up the toys yourself, because they go through a wholesaler. You should be buying your own toys yourself on a trusted vendor, either locally or online.
• Sunken cost. They get you invested emotionally, with extensive talk and maybe some light sexting, and then, just before meeting/playing, they ask for a tribute and they'll be gone after receiving it. Pay for play is common, but a trusted professional will always be upfront about it and will either have some kind of verifiable online presence (a website, a fetlife/twitter account with many followers) or be known in your local kink scene.
• The sob story. Same as before but then some tragedy befalls them - just got into an accident, big bill due tomorrow, etc. Sure, bad things do happen to good people, but take this as a red flag.
• Blackmail. While they talk and play with you, they might be also be trying to get pictures, personal information, or perhaps get you onto a Facetime and get you naked. Then, armed with knowledge of who you are and possibly compromising pics of you, they'll try to blackmail you into sending them money in exchange for not exposing you to friends and family.
• Very often you'll see all these things wrapped together. Scammer contacts you on social media, spends time discussing interests and limits, asks for dick pics or other tasks to get you horny, after you've spent a bunch of hours engaging and you're very invested, hits you with the toy purchase scam or last-minute pre-session tribute scam. If you don't comply, and you did send personal info, blackmail threat comes next.

Here are some threads from our subscribers on red flag behaviors that they've encountered:

• Red Flags as spotted by subs
• Dating Red Flags
• Femdom Red Flags AKA Warning Signs
• Bad Dommes in the Wild

Threads about Scams by those who've encountered them:

• Am I being Scammed?
• Online and Social Media Femdom: Is it a Scam?
• Is there an easy way to tell if you're being scammed?
• Trending scams and how to avoid them
• I was threatened with blackmail and extortion

I am being extorted or blackmailed. What can I do?

I'm not going to tell you not to panic because that's just a ridiculous thing to say. However, before you panic, head to Scam Survivors and follow their advice to the letter.

Further Reading & Resources

• Scam Survivors