Finding Your Local BDSM Community

Original advice given by u/TheSoftestMoss

What is Fetlife?

Fetlife is a social networking website for kink-oriented people. There are users from all over the world, groups, events, and some paid content including videos posted by members. It is not a dating site and doesn’t work especially well for that. It does work well for learning about various kinks, asking questions, and finding events related to your interests.

Use Fetlife with caution and boundaries like you should on reddit or anywhere else on the internet and consider strategies for filtering unwanted content. Settings note: Adjust your direct message settings according to how many unsolicited messages you care to receive; I suggest avoiding the “totally open” setting. There are many good advice stickies on Fetlife about what to write and how to take nice selfies.

Groups are especially helpful, and most include FAQs as well as some amazing regular contributors. Read the stickies and FAQs; your question probably comes up often! Some groups to consider (you can search for these): submissive men and the women who love them, newbies and novices, ask a female a question without being made to feel like a jerk for asking! (including penis questions).

If you find members with insightful posts and writings, you can follow them to read their ideas.

How do I use Fetlife to find my local community?

Search for your city, your state or region, or your country in the events section and you’ll see a whole calendar of options. Some require messaging the host so that they can vet you; adding content to your profile is helpful for those.

You can also choose the virtual events link; there are many options for online events that welcome attendees from all over the world.

What should I put on my Fetlife profile?

Picture: Yourself, an avatar, anything other than blank. Most people would suggest that you avoid dick pics or any naughty bits pics as your profile picture. Post identifying pictures of yourself discerningly; you can choose to have some pictures only available for friends to see.

About you: Explain what you like and what you are looking for, you can include kink-test results or not. As you would on an intro post on reddit, include some vanilla interests and personality traits.

Writings: you can share thoughts about kink and your journey in a post format for all or friends to read.

What is a munch?

A social gathering that does not include play that started as kinky people just talking and getting to know each other at a diner (read: not a place to aggressively try and “find” a sexual partner). Pre-pandemic, groups would meet in places like parks, coffee shops, diners, etc. Now many are hosted online!

Behaviors that are likely to be unwelcome (avoid!): desperation and pressure on people to take a romantic interest in you (thirst), inappropriate titling or overly “domly” or “subby” affect and language with people you don’t know and with whom you are not in a dynamic, posturing as if you know everything and like everything.

What is a workshop?

An educational event that is usually non-play oriented and clothed. For example: a bondage 101 workshop would be about safety, technique, equipment, and it would likely not be about meeting potential play partners, actually playing, or doing anything naughty.

I am nervous about attending a munch by myself, how can I make this less terrifying?

Remember that there are no “levels” or achievement awards in kink and BDSM, and everyone was a newbie at one point. We are all still learning. You will probably find the people at munches quite regular, because we are. If the munch is associated with a Fetlife group or chat, you can sometimes get a feel for people that way. Most munches are really quite approachable, so just come ready to say hi and get to know people. If you feel uneasy about meeting new people, consider sending a message to the host with a quick presentation about yourself. They might be able to introduce you to some of the participants. As long as you respect the boundaries, you’ll likely make friends after attending a few munches with the same crew of folks.

There is no accessible community in my area, what now?

Find events in the nearest city or events online! They are out there.