Finding a Partner

This page offers insights into online kink dating, covering general kink and LGBTQIA+ specific advice. It also provides tailored tips for Dominants, Switches, and Submissives. The content has been compiled from various community member contributions, blog posts, and personal experiences to provide a thorough guide. This page includes advice, safety tips, and links personal stories, aiming to help individuals navigate the complexities of finding their kinky partner.

Original Source: ("Frequently Asked Questions - Finding a Partner in Kink," 2023)

Adapted from Comments, Posts, and Writing by: u/JurisprudentMoll, u/LaCroix--Boix, u/eelred, u/auriegvrd, u/HopefulExplanation, u/drpmommy, and others.

Finding a Partner

Navigating the kink dating scene can be challenging, but with the right knowledge and approach, it is possible to find meaningful connections. This guide provides comprehensive advice on creating effective personal ads, responding to ads, general online dating tips, and specific advice for Dominants, Switches, Submissives, and the LGBTQIA+ community.

Crafting an Effective Personal Ad

Creating a compelling personal ad is crucial for attracting potential partners. Here are key points to consider:

1. Be Authentic: Clearly describe who you are, what you seek, and what you can offer. Honesty is essential.
2. Highlight Interests: Include both kinky and vanilla interests to find common ground with potential matches.
3. Use a Recent Photo: A recent and accurate photo increases your chances of genuine responses.
4. Proofread Your Ad: Ensure your ad is well-written and free of errors to reflect your seriousness and effort.

Initiating Contact: How to Respond to Personal Ads

Approaching someone online requires tact and respect. Follow these guidelines for writing a successful opening message:

• Purpose: Have a rough outline and strategy! This can help you make a good first impression.
• Introduce Yourself: Provide basic information about yourself, such as age, gender, location, and what you're looking for.
• Establish Common Ground: Mention shared interests or points from their profile that caught your eye. This shows you have taken the time to read their profile and are genuinely interested.
• Maintain Respect and Authenticity: Avoid overly sexual or explicit content in your initial message. Focus on building a connection! Finding commonality is good, but if you treat sex academically you'll get a lot farther. You can always add onto a kinky conversation, but you shouldn't necessarily initiate that conversation during the courting phase.
• Personalize Your Message: Avoid Copy-Paste Messages! Tailor each message to the individual to show that you're genuinely interested in them specifically. Personalized messages show effort and increase your chances of a positive response.
• Set Boundaries: If someone jumps into kinky talk too quickly, it's okay to set boundaries and express your comfort level. Setting boundaries and establishing consent is a huge turn on and stress-reliever.
• Be Patient and Persistent: Building a meaningful connection takes time. Don't get discouraged by initial setbacks.

General Tips for Online Dating

Here are some general tips to keep in mind while navigating the online kink dating scene:

1. Take It Slow: Building a meaningful connection takes time. Don't rush the process.
2. Respect Their Space: Give people time to respond. Avoid sending multiple follow-up messages.
3. Be Yourself and Enjoy the Process: Dating should be enjoyable. Stay positive and open-minded.

Common Scams and Safety Tips

Online dating in the kink community comes with its own set of risks. It's important to stay vigilant and be aware of common scams.

1. Research Common Scams: Spend time understanding the common scams in the online kink community.
2. Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, it probably is. Always err on the side of caution.
3. Guard Personal Information: Keep personal details private until trust is established.

Common Dating Red Flags

1. Be cautious of individuals who jump into sexual conversations too quickly.
2. Discreet or down-low behavior could indicate they are hiding something or cheating on a partner.
3. Love bombing, where someone becomes overly serious very quickly, might be a manipulative tactic.

Common Scams and Manipulation Techniques

• Be cautious of sudden demands for explicit content.
• Be wary of individuals who frame their requests as a matter of trust and obedience.
• Avoid sending money to individuals requesting financial help for toys or emergencies.

Online Dating Strategy

Maximize your visibility by using various platforms and being active in both online and offline communities. Educate yourself about BDSM, safety, and D/s dynamics.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial for protecting yourself and ensuring healthy dynamics. Establishing consent and limits from the start can prevent misunderstandings and manipulative behavior.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

• Use a clean and tasteful account for online interactions.
• Think with your head, not your libido.
• Understand that BDSM is not therapy and relationships won’t fix personal issues.
• Be prepared for failures and learn from them.

LGBTQIA+ Specific Advice

Navigating the kink dating scene as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community can present unique challenges. Here are some tips and advice specifically for LGBTQIA+ individuals:

Finding LGBTQIA+ Friendly Fetish Spaces

Exploring kink within the queer community requires finding safe and supportive spaces that respect and accept your identity. These spaces foster a sense of community and belonging, crucial for personal growth and satisfaction in the kink world. Here are some steps and resources to help you find queer-friendly fetish spaces:

Safety and Inclusivity

Ensuring the safety and inclusivity of a space is paramount.

• Verify Inclusivity: Before joining a group or attending an event, verify their commitment to queer inclusivity. Look for clear statements about their policies on diversity and respect.
• Seek Recommendations: Ask for recommendations from trusted friends or members of the queer kink community. Personal experiences can provide valuable insights into the safety and atmosphere of a space.
• Start Small: If you’re unsure about a new space, start by attending smaller events or online meetings. This allows you to gauge the environment before fully committing.

Online Resources and Directories

Online communities are excellent starting points for finding queer-friendly fetish spaces.

• Explore online communities that cater to queer individuals interested in kink. Many social media platforms host numerous queer kink groups where you can ask questions, share experiences, and connect with like-minded individuals.
• FetLife is a popular social networking site for kinksters, offering many queer-focused groups and events. Observe interactions in these groups to ensure they are respectful and inclusive before fully engaging.
• Queer Kink Directories: Websites and directories that list queer-friendly kink spaces, professionals, and events.
  • National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF): Offers a directory of kink-aware professionals and resources.
  • Kink Aware Professionals: A directory of therapists, medical professionals, and other service providers who are knowledgeable about kink and queer issues.

Local Queer Groups

Local queer groups and community centers can be invaluable resources.

• Community centers in many cities host events, support groups, and educational workshops specifically for the queer community. These centers often provide information about local queer and kink-friendly organizations.
• Attending pride events can also help you find local queer and kink groups, as these gatherings often feature booths and information about various organizations.
• Platforms like Meetup and FetLife can help you find local queer kink groups. Look for groups that emphasize inclusivity and respect.

Fetish Clubs and Events

Queer nights at fetish clubs, kink conventions, and festivals offer additional opportunities.

• Many fetish clubs host specific nights dedicated to queer individuals, providing a welcoming environment for kink activities.
• Kink conventions and festivals often include programming specifically for queer attendees, such as workshops, discussions, and social events. These events offer opportunities to learn, explore, and connect with others in a respectful and inclusive setting.
  • Dark Odyssey: Known for its inclusive atmosphere, this event often includes queer-specific workshops and gatherings.
  • Fetish Factory: Hosts events that cater to a diverse crowd, including queer individuals.

By taking these steps and exploring these resources, you can find queer-friendly fetish spaces that support and respect your identity, offering a safe and enriching environment for your kink journey.

Spotting and Avoiding Chasers

Chasers are individuals who fetishize LGBTQIA+ people, particularly trans individuals, without respecting their identities. It's important to recognize and avoid these individuals to ensure safe and respectful interactions. Understanding how to identify chasers can help you navigate the kink community more safely and confidently.

How to Spot Chasers

Identifying chasers involves being vigilant about certain behaviors and attitudes that indicate a lack of respect for your identity. Here are some key signs to watch out for:

• Overly Enthusiastic Focus on Identity: Be cautious of individuals who seem excessively interested in your queer identity to the exclusion of other aspects of your personality. They may frequently bring up your identity in conversations, ask invasive questions, or make assumptions about you based on stereotypes.
• Objectifying Language: Chasers often use objectifying or fetishizing language, treating your identity as a novelty or a kink rather than respecting it as an integral part of who you are. Watch out for comments that reduce you to your LGBTQIA+ status or sexualize your identity.
• Ignoring Boundaries: A lack of respect for your boundaries is a red flag. Chasers may push you to share personal information or engage in activities that make you uncomfortable. They may also disregard your preferences or comfort levels.
• Lack of Genuine Interest: Notice if the person shows little interest in getting to know you beyond your queer identity. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding, so look for individuals who value you as a whole person.

Recognizing these signs early can help you avoid potentially harmful interactions and seek out more respectful and genuine connections.

How to Avoid Chasers

Avoiding chasers requires setting clear boundaries and being cautious in your interactions. Here are some strategies to help you protect yourself:

• Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations from the start. Let potential partners know what topics are off-limits and what behavior you find unacceptable.
• Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, trust your gut feelings. It's better to err on the side of caution and distance yourself from someone who makes you uncomfortable.
• Ask Questions: Engage in conversations that help you understand the other person's intentions and values. Ask about their views on LGBTQIA+ issues and their experiences with LGBTQIA+ communities.
• Take Your Time: Don't rush into relationships or interactions. Take the time to get to know the person and observe their behavior over time. Genuine individuals will respect your pace and boundaries.
• Seek Support from Community: Engage with queer-friendly communities and seek advice from trusted friends or mentors. They can offer valuable insights and help you identify potential red flags.

Examples of Red Flags

Red flags are warning signs that can indicate a person's lack of respect for your identity and boundaries.

• Immediate Focus on Sexuality: If someone immediately jumps into sexual conversations or makes explicit comments about your queer identity, it's a clear red flag.
• Invasive Personal Questions: Be wary of individuals who ask intrusive questions about your sex life, body, or past relationships early in the conversation.
• Excessive Compliments on Identity: While compliments are generally positive, excessive or overly specific compliments about your queer identity can indicate fetishization.
• Refusal to Respect Pronouns and Names: If someone refuses to use your correct pronouns or chosen name, they are not respecting your identity.

Role-Specific Advice

This section provides tailored advice for individuals based on their roles within the kink community. It's important to note that advice can often be useful across different roles. For example, a submissive might find valuable insights in advice aimed at Dominants, and vice-versa. Similarly, Switches may find that advice for both Dominants and submissives resonates with their experiences. Advice need not be selfish; it's about finding what works for you and making the best version of yourself based on the knowledge you have and the comforts you find.

Advice for Dominants

As a Dominant, enhancing your skills in understanding, patience, and clear communication can deepen your dynamic.

1. Clearly Articulate Your Desires: Clearly state what you are looking for in a partner and a dynamic. This includes your interests, limits, and expectations. Being upfront helps in finding compatible matches and avoiding misunderstandings.
2. Establish Boundaries Early: Setting boundaries early in the relationship helps to filter out incompatible matches. It’s crucial to discuss what you are comfortable with and what your deal-breakers are. This establishes a foundation of respect and consent.
3. Engage with Other Dominants for Support and Advice: Connect with other Dominants to share experiences, seek advice, and gain support. Engaging with a community of like-minded individuals can provide valuable insights and help you grow in your role.
4. Prioritize Consent and Communication: Always ensure that consent is clear, enthusiastic, and ongoing. Open communication about desires, limits, and boundaries is essential for a healthy dynamic.
5. Educate Yourself Continuously: Stay informed about safe practices, new techniques, and evolving community standards. Continuous learning helps you be a better Dominant and ensures the safety and well-being of your partners.

Advice for Switches

Switches can benefit from understanding the nuances of each dynamic. However, it's important to remember that this doesn't mean it's a perfect split down the middle; find what works best for you!

1. Understand Your Preferences: Take time to explore and understand your preferences in both Dominant and submissive roles. Being clear about what you enjoy in each role helps in finding compatible partners.
2. Communicate Flexibility: Be open about your switch nature with potential partners. Discuss how you like to switch roles and any preferences for when and how this occurs.
3. Establish Clear Boundaries: Just like Dominants and submissives, it’s essential to establish boundaries in both roles. Ensure that your partners understand and respect your limits.
4. Seek Diverse Experiences: Engage with different partners and communities to explore various dynamics. This helps in understanding what works best for you in each role.
5. Balance Your Dynamics: Ensure that you maintain a healthy balance between your Dominant and submissive sides. Overindulging in one role at the expense of the other can lead to dissatisfaction.

Advice for Submissives

Being clear about your desires, limits, and expectations can help you find a more compatible partner.

1. Articulate Your Desires and Limits: Being able to clearly describe your ideal dynamic, kinks, and boundaries is crucial. This helps in finding a Dominant who is compatible with your needs.
2. Develop a Well-Rounded Personality: Engage in self-improvement and develop interests outside of kink. A well-rounded personality makes you more attractive to potential partners and helps in maintaining a balanced life.
3. Patience is Key: Finding the right match takes time. Don’t rush the process; allow relationships to develop naturally.
4. Engage with the Community: Connect with other submissives and engage in community events. This can provide support, advice, and opportunities to meet potential partners.
5. Prioritize Your Safety and Well-Being: Ensure that your mental, emotional, and physical well-being are prioritized. Never compromise your safety for the sake of a relationship.
6. Continuous Learning and Growth: Educate yourself about safe practices, consent, and effective communication. Continuous learning helps you be a better submissive and ensures healthy dynamics.

References and Further Reading

• The Mammoth Guide on How to Find a Relationship (for Everyone) by u/JurisprudentMoll
• How to Write an Opening Line? by u/LaCroix--Boix
• Online and Social Media Femdom: Is it a Scam? by u/eelred
• Long Term Dating, Friendships and Vetting for Dominants by u/auriegvrd
• O Miss Pearl
• Dale Carnegie's Golden Rules